This Stayfree magazine spoof of a fictitious drug called PANEXA would be hilarious if it weren’t so eerily close to how Big Pharma is actually marketing prescription drugs. This “Ask Your Doctor” type of ad is what Big Pharma calls Direct To Consumer advertising – and it really works.
PLEASE READ THIS SUMMARY CAREFULLY, THEN ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT PANEXA AND HOW TO PROVIDE YOU WITH LARGE QUANTITIES. THIS ADVERTISEMENT DOES NOT TAKE THE PLACE OF ADVICE FROM YOUR DOCTOR; RATHER, IT PROVIDES YOU WITH NEW INFORMATION ABOUT NEW DRUGS YOU SHOULD BE USING.
PANEXA is a prescription drug that should only be taken by patients experiencing one of the following disorders:
- extremes of emotion
Muscle: In a small number of tested cases (84%) PANEXA was found to cause abdominal wall muscle breakdown coupled with spasmodic activity in lower back/spinal muscles, resulting in most patients violently bending forward like a book slamming shut. While other drugs promote similar responses (gemifbrozil, fresh cherries, nicitonic acid, cyclosporine, mustard gas), PANEXA’s reactions are over 48x more powerful and take place with a great deal more panache and flash.
Lymphatic System: If, after taking PANEXA for a period of four to six weeks, you still have any functioning lymph nodes remaining, double the dosage every two weeks until they are all gone.
Comorbidities: For patients with coronary heart condition (CHC) or two separate feet (2SF), the dosage of PANEXA should be doubled. PANEXA can also be utilized to decrease the risk of death caused by not taking PANEXA, being beaten to death by oscelots, or death relating from complications arising from seeing too much of the color lavender. Epileptic patients should take care to ensure tight, careful grips on containers of PANEXA, in order to secure their contents in the event of a seizure caused by PANEXA.
IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR WOMEN
Women with uteruses should consider avoiding PANEXA or moving to a state or province where the concentration of PANEXA is less intense. Try not to say the word “PANEXA.” If you do happen to pronounce the syllables, spit thrice and soak your hands in iodine. If you hear the words spoken, live or via recorded medium, cover your ears and immediately see a specialist to try and staunch the bleeding.
Pregnant women or women who plan to become pregnant should avoid taking PANEXA or handling broken tablets. Or intact tablets. Women considering some day becoming pregnant, who have ever been pregnant, who have had a pregnant friend or pet, or who have seen other pregnant women, naked or otherwise, should avoid PANEXA.
WHEN PANEXA SHOULD NOT BE USED
There are no known medical circumstances (based on extensive internal testing) in which PANEXA cannot be used. However, PANEXA is not aggressively recommended in the following circumstances:
- PANEXA should not be used as a physical aid to set a broken bone, as in the case of a splint.
- PANEXA should not be used to soak up spills or remove stains.
- PANEXA should not be used a form of transportation, as it lacks the government regulated safety lights and reflectors.
IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR SQUIRRELS
PANEXA has been known in a few cases (0.0087%) to cause Excessively Floppy Tail Syndrome (EFTS). If you are a squirrel, and suspect you may be suffering from EFTS, immediately call the Hotline at 1-800-555-5555.