This Stayfree magazine spoof of a fictitious drug called PANEXA would be hilarious if it weren’t so eerily close to how Big Pharma is actually marketing prescription drugs. This “Ask Your Doctor” type of ad is what Big Pharma calls Direct To Consumer advertising – and it really works.
PLEASE READ THIS SUMMARY CAREFULLY, THEN ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT PANEXA AND HOW TO PROVIDE YOU WITH LARGE QUANTITIES. THIS ADVERTISEMENT DOES NOT TAKE THE PLACE OF ADVICE FROM YOUR DOCTOR; RATHER, IT PROVIDES YOU WITH NEW INFORMATION ABOUT NEW DRUGS YOU COULD BE USING.
PANEXA is a prescription drug that should only be taken by patients experiencing one of the following disorders:
WARNINGS!
Muscle: In a small number of tested cases (84%) PANEXA was found to cause abdominal wall muscle breakdown coupled with spasmodic activity in lower back/spinal muscles, resulting in most patients violently bending forward like a book slamming shut. While other drugs promote similar responses (gemifbrozil, fresh cherries, nicitonic acid, cyclosporine, mustard gas), PANEXA’s reactions are over 48x more powerful and take place with a great deal more panache and flash.
Lymphatic System: If, after taking PANEXA for a period of four to six weeks, you still have any functioning lymph nodes remaining, double the dosage every two weeks until they are all gone.
IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR WOMEN
Women with uteruses should consider avoiding PANEXA or moving to a state or province where the concentration of PANEXA is less intense. Try not to say the word “PANEXA.” If you do happen to pronounce the syllables, spit thrice and soak your hands in iodine. If you hear the words spoken, live or via recorded medium, cover your ears and immediately see a specialist to try and staunch the bleeding.
WHEN PANEXA SHOULD NOT BE USED
There are no known medical circumstances (based on extensive internal testing) in which PANEXA cannot be used. However, PANEXA is not aggressively recommended in the following circumstances:
IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR SQUIRRELS
PANEXA has been known in a few cases (0.0087%) to cause Excessively Floppy Tail Syndrome (EFTS). If you are a squirrel, and suspect you may be suffering from EFTS, immediately call the Hotline at 1-800-555-5309, or visit http://www.panexa.com
I never realized that I even needed PANEXA until reading this! I’m heading straight to my doctor — I certainly don’t want to die from not taking it!!
This is similar to what a genuine Ask Your Doctor drug pitch would look like, which makes it both humorous and frightening. Loved this……. Thank you!
Too funny. I’m going to ask my doc for my Panexa, too! Surely there must be something I’m suffering from that I need new drugs for . . .
Don